VOLCANOLAND: February 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

I just get caught up

I have so much anxiety. weird weird. I need more of people I like. I'm afraid to get close to people. I have warm affectionate relationships with walls. I want someone to listen to me. I feel really unheard. and my mind goes in weird places and I think that everyone is barely tolerating me. This isn't true but I'm getting so paranoid. I want to get inspired by stuff that speaks to my heart. I want to feel fulfilled when by myself. I want to do the things I say I will do. I want to make a five year plan and I want a lover. I want a good listener that doesn't think I'm a pain in the ass. I wish I was better at communicating. I would like to learn to be less of a control freak. I wish people would sometimes realize that their jokes hurt me. I don't always want to know what other people think of me. I want to feel invited wherever I go. I want to feel more deserving of love. I don't know. I have jealousy that is uncontrollable and has nothing to do with reality. I want to at least be honest. I feel really conservative compared to my friends. I get mad. I feel like I should learn to be more free. then I get mad at my parents for being so old fashioned. and then I get upset that that could upset me so much, and that I don't really know my own ideals. I'm turning the anger in on myself. It really scared me the observations that have been made about me recently. lots of inner self revelations. lots of really, painful things were pointed out that I always thought I was better at concealing than that. I guess it's supposed to make me ask why I conceal them in the first place. I read "Spilling your guts is as attractive as it sounds" in a book the other day, but I just, I think theres something really refreshing about someone explaining their thought processes and neuroses. I don't want to pretend that I'm not fragile and easily wounded, and I would like not to pretend that I have no insecurities. I have many many, I catch myself comparing myself to everyone. I would like to be more proud of myself. I wish I was not as moody and emotional as I really am, and I wish I didn't have so many deep-rooted judgments that I halfheartedly believe because of the way I was raised. Sometimes I feel like I communicate these weird alien inherited feelings through my facial expressions before I have time to process them and send them to the garbage can for lame thoughts that I don't believe in. My ideal self would not assume anything or get nervous, or hide an opinion. Is it me or is it everybody fucking else?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Alese

This cardigan came from the tides of the flea market, when everyone leaves the crap nobody bought in a big parking lot anonymously. it's reversible. and it's for a baby actually. An ancient asian woman was going in for it (it was in a dumpster) and I swooped in and caught it right under her nose
The crocheted white top came from my mother in law. It had a lining attached to it. I cut it out.
The blue slip underneath was given to me by my best friend when I was thirteen. I wore it by itself with angel wings for Halloween that year.
The pantyhose were found in the bottom of a box of scarves at a thrift store. There was a very unflattering picture of a woman on the package.
The shoes were bought with a Christmas present gift card to Target.
The jewelry is from a thrift store grab bag. I didn't see the earrings or necklace in the bag when I bought it. They were a free prize bitch.
The lace on my head came from a giant spool of lace that Jessica McClintock donated to Urban Ore.
This bag has plastic bubble beads glued onto it and I pick them off when I'm nervous